To my second child…
You’re not my first; that much is true.
I loved another before loving you.
I’m a different mother this time around, more calm and confident, I have found.
With your brother, everything was new, I was focused on his every move.
Each tiny smile was photographed, I changed my ringtone to his laugh.
Since you came, there’s a new dimension, two children now want my attention.
And sometimes you’re left in your chair, whilst I play with your brother over there.
I cannot watch your every move. Or, when you cry out, jump to soothe,
I don’t panic every time you sneeze, and dash you off to A & E.
Your rattles and teds are hand me downs, and some toys may have lost their sound.
There’s less concern if your blanket’s scratchy, and your baby book is a little patchy.
I know what the next months have in store, and each phase you reach I’ve seen before.
This doesn’t mean I love you less, this time the feelings more complex.
I’m pleased to see you learn and grow, but it also pulls my heartstrings so.
I was so excited first time ’round, this time I want to slow things down.
Your firsts will all be lasts for me, last crawl and last ride to my knee.
Last nappy, breastfeed, spoon of food, last rock to sleep, last cry to hush.
You were not my firstborn this is true.
But the last child I will have is you.
You’re the last lullaby I’ll ever sing.
And lasts are a special kind of thing.
I’ve been feeling super sentimental lately and it sent me on the hunt for this very special session. This teeny tiny baby and teeny tiny handful of images are my sweet love Emery. It feels like just yesterday I dragged my battered and broken body into the studio to capture some special images of my own bubba. Thankfully I also had my dear friends and colleagues capture a proper newborn session for me, something I have always treasured dearly, but I also wanted the chance to capture a few of my own. I don’t know what I was thinking, it was hard and props to those of you that capture your own sessions but I am grateful I have this small handful of images of my very own. I had only edited two of these images up to this point and I’m pretty sure it was when he was about to turn one…and now he’s almost four!!! I’m glad I took the time out today to find them on an old hard drive and edit them. Of course, seasoned with my favourite mustard…look how squishy and cute he was!!
Look at dem cheeks and squishy lips and back rolls…by far the best newborn features. I purchased this adorable knitted mustard outfit when I was pregnant not knowing if Emery was going to be pink or blue…isn’t it the sweetest. Can we all just take a moment to look at this adorable little ginger mohawk… I saw this gorgeous little owl on a vendor page when I was pregnant and desperately wanted it, it’s wings are made from a stunning baby wearing wrap that I had brought for my little bump when he or she arrived, but the owl was at a market interstate. A lovely friend made it happen & one day it arrived anonymously on my doorstep. Emery still loves it to this day. He wasn’t super settled, of course, photographer child syndrome lol…and we had to wrap him up like a baby burrito! I had these adorable little bear bonnets custom made for Emery when I was pregnant by my sweet friend over at Chino Creations
Oh sweet baby I miss you so much…this was such a hard time in my life and sometimes I look back with sadness that I missed things because I was so lost in pain and sleeplessness and sorrow for the relationship upheaval with my poor innocent four year old who’s life was also turned upside down. But then I look at these images and I also remember your sweet newborn smell and little sausage toes, the way you snuggled into me to feed like you had always been here, the way my heart felt so full of love it might explode.
This…is motherhood right…so raw yet so beautiful.x.